I recently tried out the Noom App. This is the lose weight through psychology program. Believe you can reach your goal. One of the first things you do in the program is set your “Ultimate Goal.” The goal is a separate thing besides losing weight. I put, “Run a 5K.” Then the program has you exam your why. Dig deep. So I put, “I like the way I feel when I run/walk.” Why? “Because there is no world only creative thought.” I responded. (I originally said only music but decided it was more than that.)
For other reasons, maybe to be talked about in future blogs, I canceled my trial and uninstalled the app. Didn’t even have it a full say. But the “Why?” Stuck with me.
I love/hate people.
What I meant by “There is no world” was literally the absence of anyone besides myself. I don’t have to focus on society. I don’t have to even think about family or friends. It is me with music in my ears, walking. Eventually running.
My entire life I have been someone else’s [fill in the blank]. Mostly the good girl, who does the right thing. People call me bubbly or cheerful. Which is fine. It is one facet of me. But for the longest time it seemed like people were either confused or angry or disappointed or sad at me if I dared to be sad.
There is a book called This Is How by Augusten Burroughs. In it is a line which was my, “Yes, Exactly!” Moment.
“You are nobody’s Valium.”
And that is exactly how I have felt over the years. I have to be happy because if I am not everyone else will be unhappy. It is exhausting.
So I am an introvert? Well when it comes to my source of replenishing energy. I am drained by people. However, I tend to be a gregarious person. I like talking with people and sharing ideas and view points.
Up until I don’t. I love/hate people.
The past few years the hate side of that equation has grown exponentially. I get caught up in what I believe to be the real pandemic: anger, fear and hate. Which makes me wonder about my life choices of working in customer service.
There are times I really want to be a hermit. To be out somewhere, listening to music, reading, running, baking. Then I feel the loneliness and realize it isn’t so bad to be the optimistic one.
So thanks, Noom.